Still Life
by DianaArtemis16
Summary: "I lived my life a hundred times and always found myself holding him in my arms, knowing that he would never even remember me. I want to save him Severus, but I don't know what to do."…"Why did you bring me back, Lily? What did you expect me to do?"…"I expect you to become what I've tried to be in a hundred lifetimes." Severus/Harry Gen
1. Chapter 1

A/N: For those of you who have followed me from _Unsaid_, thank you! And for everyone else, welcome! I appreciate all comments and support, even if I don't get around to responding. I am once again joined by the lovely beta LadyDunla, who helps make this all readable for you.

I hope you enjoy this first chapter, even though it is quite short. Hopefully I will get to posting the next one very soon!

Thank you for reading!

Chapter 1

_"Look...at...me!"_

Something within was crying out, or maybe just dying. The serpent's venom felt like fire raking through his veins. He couldn't think of how to stop it or what to do. He knew this was the time that people usually had their life flashing before them, so they could analyze all their memories and experiences and learn something profound. But he couldn't even think on his life, what it all meant, or if he had made the right decisions. All he could think, hope for, desire was the one person he had always desired. The one person he want to see with everything that pulsed and burned inside him.

Green eyes were looking at him and Severus Snape closed his eyes to see them again.

The world was dark and empty. Severus was dark and empty and he would have felt relieved if he could feel anything. He was traveling somewhere, he knew it. When he realized that he was moving, he began to feel his legs, then his hands and arms. Suddenly, he had a body again and he wondered if he had eyes.

Severus Snape looked to see to a rusty swing-set and a woman with sparkling green eyes waiting for him.

"This isn't Hell," he commented, finding it odd that his voice worked, despite being bitten in the neck by a giant snake. He remembered that he was bitten by a snake then. He also found it odd to think that he must be dead. For no other reason than that he was staring at Lily Evans.

She smiled, leaning slightly backward. "No, not really. I hear Hell doesn't even have a slide."

He wondered what she meant by that, but the park began to appear more clearly around him. It wasn't as if the slide and merry-go-round just sprung into existence, it was as if she needed to tell him to look, and then he would see. Severus Snape rubbed his neck, finding this all very confusing and yet he hardly seemed to mind. "But I'm dead, right?"

"Yes, of course." Lily folded her hands in front of her and he noticed that she was wearing an old pair of jeans and a saggy jumper. He wondered why she wasn't in some pure white dress or why her hair looked un-brushed and hastily put into a ponytail. He was sure that Lily would become a beautiful angel; perfect and immaculate. But as soon as the thought came to him, he immediately found it to be absurd.

"So..." He found his next words to also be ridiculous, but he had to confirm. "I'm not in Hell?"

She laughed, that same bubbling laugh that he hadn't heard since he was fifteen. It made his chest hurt with an ache he remembered from living. Lily pushed off the ground slightly, letting herself swing back and forth slowly. "No, Sev, you're not in Hell." She paused, chewing on her lip. "But you might not like this anyway." She motioned to the swing beside her. "Come on, sit down. I need to ask something of you."

Severus carefully approached the seat, even though his body felt perfectly healthy and the nerves undamaged by the snake bite. He sat down slowly anyway, noticing he was wearing his teaching robes and he suddenly felt overdressed. "Where are we? Is this real?"

"We are at an in-between place. And does it matter if it's real?" Lily grinned, but it faded quickly. "These kinds of places are only temporary. It's a place to move forward or backwards."

He frowned, shifting uncomfortably in the swing. It fit his body, but it felt strange, like he was playing at being a child again. "You mean to die or to live?"

She shrugged. "Living and dying are only concepts, you know. Being one or the other just depends on your frame of mind."

Severus rubbed his neck again. "Lily, I've just been killed by a sadist's giant snake, I'm not in the mood to talk philosophy." He closed his eyes. "Didn't you say that you had to ask something of me?" He was beginning to hate the strange paradox of being utterly confused, but not being alarmed by it. It was as if his emotions were dampened, almost unattainable.

She kicked her foot again, swinging back and forth. "You know, I've gone back hundreds of times."

"What?" He stared at her ponytail slapping the back of her neck.

"Yes, I've relived my life many times over. And I've seen you relive your life many times over, though you wouldn't remember that."

Severus didn't know what to say. He could still hardly understand why he was sitting in a swing, talking to Lily Evans like twenty years didn't separate them. Like she had never died. Like _he_ wasn't dead. He felt mesmerized by the way her lips moved and hair flipped and eyes glinted in the soft light.

But she didn't notice, or just didn't comment. Instead she kept talking. "And this time, I think we need to work together." She put her foot in the dirt, stopping abruptly. She looked straight at him, those green eyes scrutinizing him in a familiar way. "We need to save my son."

A few, sharp conclusions hit Severus very fast. Harry Potter was her son. He, Severus Snape, had been trying to keep her son alive ever since she died. And if Severus' sacrifice wasn't enough to save the boy, what had happened?

"He _died_?" Severus was suddenly outraged. All those years of effort ruined. Sleepless night and tortured days after days for nothing. His own self-sacrifice in vain. But as suddenly as those emotions came, they quickly left. He felt drained and deflated.

Lily cocked her head, her eyes staring past him in thought. "No, Harry doesn't die."

He snorted. "Doesn't? As in he never dies?"

She shook her head, laughing gently. "Of course he dies eventually, but he survives Tom Riddle. It's one of those set things."

Severus found it odd hearing Lily say the Dark Lord's name, but he decided to ignore it. "Set things?"

She nodded, swinging again. He wondered if she was nervous. "Yes, there are many things that can be changed and many things that can't. Tom Riddle will be born to become Voldemort. Then Harry will be born to defeat him. Evil and Good. Unbalance to balance. All to keep the universe from imploding."

Severus didn't understand half of the things she said, but he was beginning to realize it might take him years to know what Lily was telling him. "Wait, if Pot-" He stopped himself. "If... your son survives, why do you need to save him?"

She smiled at his amendment. "I've told you that living and dying are relative. Harry doesn't die, yes, but he still needs something to live for." He opened his mouth to question more, but she continued to talk. "My son is meant to live through unthinkable trials, all before the age of eighteen. It damages him, Sev, in ways that break my heart a hundred times over. And that damage festers within him for so long, far too long." Her voice broke and she suddenly stood, wrapping her arms around herself. "Harry will always live, because I will always die for him." She looked to Severus, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "But I didn't die so he would live to suffer. Can you understand this, Severus?"

He felt numb, wishing he could stand and hold her, but he couldn't feel his legs. "I tried my best to spare him." His voice felt hollow.

Lily knelt in front of him, taking his hands in hers. "You can do more. I know it. Please, you must help me. I know we can save him."

His hands felt hot. "You want me to go back, don't you?" At once the idea repulsed him. As much as he didn't want to die, it meant an escape from his duties and from the weight they put upon him. And then, a second, more alarming thought hit him. "And you won't be there either. You'll be dead again."

Her hands gripped his so tightly that it almost hurt, but he didn't know if he could feel pain in this place. "Yes, I will be dead. But I'll be still with you, like I am now. I want to succeed this time and I will give you all the help I can."

Severus still didn't know where he was, why he was there, or why Lily wanted this of him. Perhaps this was his second chance for redemption. Perhaps this was only a dream in his rotting mind. "Promise to not leave me again." A childish thing to say, but they were at their old neighborhood park after all.

She nodded, closing her eyes. "I never left you."


	2. Chapter 2

Living was much more painful than dying, Severus discovered. He hadn't realized it while he was talking to Lily, but his body had felt weightless, his emotions tempered and even. Now he was heavy, tied down to a moving object that seemed to only want toss him around and churn his thoughts in a frenzy of worry, anger, and pain.

Severus eventually realized that he was sitting, despite feeling like he was being violently thrashed around. He also began to realize he could hear voices and that his eyes were tightly shut. He knew he should open them, but he was more terrified than he had ever been in his life.

"Severus? Severus? Are you alright?" He heard a female voice and his eyes flew open.

The Great Hall at Hogwarts was blinding. Colors and moving bodies filled his vision, but he couldn't seem to close his eyes again. The hall was candlelit for the evening meal, but he squinted at the dim light. The children in their school robes were taking their seats and chatting. He was sitting at his place at the head table and Minerva was leaning towards him.

"Severus? Can you hear me?"

"Of course I can," he snapped and found that his voice came out smooth. His stomach churned, but the over-stimulation was leaving him. He turned to the older woman. "What?" He attempted to sound annoyed.

She frowned, her nostrils flaring. "You looked ready to pass out. I was merely inquiring after your health."

He raised an eyebrow, like he had no idea what she was talking about, until she looked away. Severus allowed himself to breathe a little deeper and relax into his chair. Was this another dream? Or was this reality? It didn't look like he had come back to the Shrieking Shack and Severus wondered if he was having another delusion. Perhaps this was the beginning of his afterlife and Lily was only a hopeful dream.

He looked at the teachers beside him, eventually seeing Minerva leaning towards Dumbledore, conversing quietly. Severus stared a long time at Dumbledore, who seemed not to notice. Did he know that they were both dead? Were they dead? He looked to the students sitting at their tables. The plates were empty, but they chatted merrily to each other.

Minerva stood up and quietly exited the hall. All the students came to a hush, watching her excitedly. Severus watched her, feeling like he should be expecting something important. Or at least he should know what was going on. He looked to the teachers and they all looked to the large doors, sitting patiently. The students were watching the doors as well. Severus had no idea what could walk through those doors. Minutes passed and eventually the chatter died down completely. Severus looked to Dumbledore, but the headmaster had the same smile plastered on his face; serene with hidden cunning.

A loud groan filled the room as the great hall doors slowly swung open. They admitted Minerva, followed by a small group of students. They looked battered and terrified, though their robes were new. They clustered together, trying to look anywhere but to each other and anyone else in the room. The feat meant that most were looking at their muddy shoes, but a few were looking at the enchanted ceiling.

"Spot him?"

Severus twitched in surprise, but managed to not completely leap out of his seat. He turned his head casually until he saw Lily sitting on the table, just in front of a large serving platter. Her body looked solid; he could not see through her. But she looked fragile somehow, like she still didn't have much substance. She didn't have any shadows, he realized. The light didn't touch her. His eyes trailed her body, noticing small imperfections; her hip wasn't touching the wood of the table, though he couldn't say if she was floating. One of her fingertips was also passing through his goblet, as if they didn't exist in the same world. She winked at him.

"What's that face for? I said I would be here." She pouted playfully. "What? You didn't believe me?"

He shook his head slowly, wondering if he should speak. Obviously he was the only one who could see and hear her. Everyone else in the hall was looking to Minerva as she set up the sorting hat.

Lily was still grinning as she turned back to the proceedings. The hat started to sing, but Severus only listened to her. "He's near the back, trying to hide behind the taller kids." She pointed, but Severus was looking at her hand. There was an old scar on her thumb, as if she had just been cutting vegetables and the knife slipped. "Ron Weasley is easier to see. The red hair is a dead giveaway. They are standing together. Already friends and they just met on the train." She looked back to Severus and frowned at his line of sight. "Sev, please stop gawking and stop looking at me. Cecil Tompkins is becoming disturbed."

Severus blinked and realized that the Hufflepuff girl was directly behind Lily. He casually looked away, finally back to the first years. The hat was done singing and Minerva was unrolling the parchment with their names. He looked at the small group and noticed the Weasley first, naturally. Already tall for his age and limbs too thin and awkward, Ron Weasley was doing everything in his power to ignore his brothers making silent jests at him from the Gryffindor table. Harry Potter was standing next to him.

"He's a little small for his age, isn't he?" Lily sighed.

Severus thought they all could use a good eight inches of growth spurts. The first years always seemed to get smaller with every year. But Harry Potter was indeed a head below everyone else. Though his robes fit him naturally enough, it was obvious he was as thin as a rake. Severus didn't remember him being so small. But the last time he saw him, he had been seven years older, and toned from roughing in the wilds of England and Scotland.

Minerva was calling names and Severus found himself more entranced by all the students that he taught for so many years. Hannah Abbott had wider eyes than he remembered and her mother was killed when she was only sixteen. He had forgotten that Terry Boot didn't have a growth spurt until his third year. Then there was Hermione Granger, the girl who lived to absorb knowledge. In another life, Severus would had admired her ability to retain and research. But as it was, her know-it-all attitude was far more irritating than any kind of admiration.

Severus stopped, looking briefly at Lily, who was gazing interestingly at the professors now. _In another life_, he repeated his own thoughts. _This_ was another life, wasn't it? He still didn't understand what kind of life this was, but it was still another one. Lily, sensing his gaze, looked to him. "What are you thinking? I can't read your thoughts, you know."

He didn't answer, but let his gaze slide back to the sorting of the first years. Neville Longbottom was called and nearly fell down trying to get to the stool. Severus narrowed his eyes at the spineless boy who would become the terror of the Carrows in his seventh year. He couldn't imagine it now. He couldn't see the bruises or cuts or other signs of torture on the pudgy, soft face.

"Lost in memory?" Lily inquired softly.

Severus lowered his head, speaking to her as the Gryffindor table clapped politely. "I see them bloody. I see them dead," he whispered.

She smiled sadly. "So do I. But right now they are eleven and innocent. Try to remember that. Try to remember that the future has not come and the thing most terrifying to them right now is a talking hat." He suppressed a grim smile and looked back up as Harry Potter's name was called. Lily sat forward, almost standing. "Watch, Severus, watch him."

He obliged, wondering if there was something important. Harry Potter edged his way to the stool, very aware that everyone in the hall was staring at him. Some weren't even breathing. Most were whispering excitedly. The small boy slid onto the seat and Minerva placed the hat on his head. Severus waited for the obvious choice, but the hat hesitated.

"Can you see it?" Lily whispered, not unlike half the students in the hall. "Look at his face, Severus. Can you see it?"

Most of Potter's face was covered by the hat, but Severus understood what Lily was pointing out. His lips were moving, slowly and silently, but with obvious emphasis. Severus hadn't noticed it before and he wondered briefly what the boy could be saying to the hat. He looked to Lily. She was resting her chin on her folded hands, her eyes soft.

"He's arguing with the hat. It wants him to go into the house he doesn't like, the only house he really knows anything about."

Severus frowned, understanding slowly dawning upon him.

Lily answered his thoughts. "Yes, Slytherin. The hat wants him to be in Slytherin."

"Why?" The words left him before he could check himself. But at that moment, the sorting hat shouted the boy into Gryffindor. No one was even looking at him.

Except for Lily, who turned to him, a somewhat wicked smile on her face. "Perhaps he has a thirst to prove himself? He wants to show he is worthy? Perhaps he could have been guided to that in Slytherin."

Severus wanted to question Lily, but he didn't dare speak again. He would have to wait and he turned back to the sorting. This time, however, he kept his eyes on Potter. The face and hair of his father, but hunched over in his chair with none of the confidence. _Not yet_, Severus amended. He knew that the stubborn and headstrong Potter would not take long to coax out. The boy was still being slapped on the back by the older Weasleys and doted upon by every other person in the house. He smiled, but in a relieved sense. He didn't meet any of their eyes and looked at his plate until they turned their attention elsewhere.

_A thirst to prove himself_, Severus wondered. _Why prove himself?_ He looked to Lily, but she was still staring at Potter. She was standing now, one tense foot before her, as if she wanted to walk over to him and congratulate him as well. There was no smile on her face, but a fierce longing. One hand quivered at her side. Severus wished he could speak to her, but Dumbledore was standing to give his usual speech. He would have to question her later.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Severus cautiously unraveled his wards and concealing spells. He changed the combination to his quarters every six months and had long since forgotten what they were at this particular time. It wasn't simple to bypass all his security, but it was made easier since he was the one who set them. Once the door had materialized behind one of the cupboards in his office, he slipped into his private quarters. Hardly sparing a glance at the interior Severus turned around and proceeded to knit back up all that he had undone on the wards. More tedious than challenging.

"You were always the paranoid type, Sev, but this is a little ridiculous." Lily strode into the room and sat herself down on one of the armchairs, like she had done it a hundred times.

"I'm not some naive school boy anymore. I'm an ex-Death Eater, a double agent, and surrounded by the most cunning students in the school." He flicked a glance at her, enough to see her looking puzzled.

"Who?"

He finished the final ward and tapped his wand on the door to make the new password. "Slytherins."

She rolled her eyes. "You're not a double agent, you know. You just a professor at the school, just like you've been for the last ten years."

Severus strode around his quarters, re-familiarizing himself with the comfortable space. It was small, only large enough for a small sitting room, a bedroom, and a bathroom. Much like his home at Spinner's End, the walls were lined with books, stacked in bookcases, or some on the floor, bringing the walls closer to the two well-worn chairs surrounding the fireplace. But with only one living there, space hardly mattered.

Severus trailed a finger along the spines of the books, wondering when was the last time he actually sat down and read. He couldn't remember. "I'm not a double agent yet, I suppose. But..." He let the sentence trail off.

Lily leaned forward. "Would it be too much to hope of convincing you that Voldemort won't come back in this life?"

He sat down heavily across from her. "I could smell him on Quirrell at dinner."

"You barely looked at the man."

Severus sniffed, looking away to the fire. "I was ignoring him."

They sat in silence for a moment. Lily scrutinized him, but Severus let her. He could feel his blood beginning to race and his fingers itched to grab his wand and deal some damage, even if it meant destroying some of his more valuable books.

"Tell me what you're thinking," she whispered.

He bit his lip before he yelled. Instead, he managed a calm voice. "I'm just wondering what you are thinking. Bringing me back here."

She sighed. "I need you to save-"

"Harry _bloody_ Potter," he snapped. "I got that part. But I missed the bit where we come back to when he was eleven. I was under the impression that we would come back to when I died." His voice lowered, dangerous. "Clearly, I was mistaken."

Lily appeared unmoved, which only made his hands clench the upholstery of the chair. "That would be too late. This was the perfect time to come back."

His dark eyes glittered at her. "The perfect time?_ Perfect time_?" His voice did not increase in volume, but he was all but shaking in rage. "Do you realized the_ hell_ I had to experience when Potter started at this school? Are you seriously intending that I go through the resurrection of Voldemort, the torturing of being a spy, the death of Albus Dumbledore and the responsibility of painting myself as his _murderer_!" He shouted the last word and stood up, pacing quickly around the small room.

Lily was still. "No, Severus, I do not intend that."

He whirled on her. "How can you say that? Do you know what it means?!"

She looked directly at him, her green eyes hard and serious and exactly as Potter's were at the end. "Yes, I know. You will not experience the horror of your past life again. I would not bring you back to torture you."

Severus felt himself deflate slightly, but he still ran a hand through his long hair. "How?" He hated how hoarse his voice sounded.

She closed her eyes and she was Lily again, not Potter at all. "It's hard to explain, but you will understand soon enough."

He stared at her, long and hard. "I can change things, right?"

She sighed. "Yes, but not everything."

"What do you mean?"

Lily was silent for a moment and Severus found himself seated back in his chair. He stared into the fireplace, remembering the cold chill that seemed to permeate him throughout most of the meal. He had not noticed Quirrell right away, too distracted by Lily and her observations. He hated that the man was there, hated that damned turban, hated what it all implied. He ignored the man, for his own sanity. He wanted to kill him on the spot, throwing aside all caution. But he held back, wondering if it was even possible for him to kill the weakened Voldemort. He waited for Lily's answer.

She took her time gathering thoughts. When she spoke, she did not look at him. "The events that make up our lives are based on decisions, or reactions to others' decisions. To change the future, you must change the decision. Sometimes it's pretty simple. Like, if you were to eat eggs every morning for breakfast, and then I asked you to eat porridge instead, you could change your mind and stop eating eggs. I would have changed the future, but nothing really different would come from it." She smiled, still looking at the fire.

Severus slouched in his chair. "I'm guessing it is not all that easy."

Lily finally gazed at him. "No, not really. The most life-changing events that occur to us are usually made from the biggest, and hardest decisions. Those decisions are usually not simple and not really rational." She folded her hands on her lap, her expression soft in the firelight. "For they are based on our personalities, our morals... or lack of morals. Decisions of the heart, as I like to think of it."

She trailed off then, as if she could not think of another way to explain. But Severus needed another way, because this didn't quite make sense. "Decision of the heart?" he said dryly. "I doubt the decisions that changed my life had anything to do with my heart."

Her smile was weak. "You'd be surprised."

When she didn't say anything more, Severus frowned. "And? Is there no more guidance? Can I defeat the Dark Lord before he destroys my life again? Can I defeat him before he unlatches himself from the back of Quirrell's head?" He spat out the words, having little faith in a good answer.

"Some decisions have already been made that cannot be changed." It was a poor answer. Lily leaned forward. "But, Severus, there is so much that can be changed, so many important things that haven't been set in stone. I need you to look at_ those_ decisions, not at what is far beyond your control." She reached out, as if to grasp his hands, but she stopped short. "I brought you here to save Harry, and I would have not placed you in this time unless I thought you could make a difference."

"But how can I save him if I can't defeat Voldemort?"

She did reach out then and her hands had no physical touch, but felt like a distant memory. "I won't deny that I wished dearly that Voldemort could be defeated by anyone besides my son, but that is something beyond any of our control. What you need to realize is that you don't need to kill Voldemort in order to save Harry."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Severus Snape wasn't ready for the first days of classes. Every year he would usually return to the school two weeks before the beginning or the term to prepare for classes and stock the laboratory. When he eventually discovered his notes, they felt seven years too old. A few weeks ago he was headmaster of the school, trying to serve and subvert the Dark Lord simultaneously with controlling the Carrows and the school in general. Now he was back to his old job, long before the return of Voldemort.

If the fifth year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws noticed his jagged speech or the way he wandered absently around the room, they gave no reaction. The next class was better and a few days later, Severus felt relatively confident that he could handle a classroom full of first year Gryffindors and Slytherins.

Of course, having to teach an eleven year old Harry Potter with his dead mother hovering behind his desk wasn't going to help.

Severus strode into the room, staring down every child that dared to look at him. It was important that he set a standard for himself as strict and unyielding. He wasn't going to let these students think he didn't see every fatal mistake they could make. If that meant he had a reputation of being 'mean' or 'unfair', he would accept that. The students could find their 'fun' professors elsewhere, but Severus had a job to do.

He stood in front of the classroom, the attendance sheet limp in his hand. As he surveyed the class, he knew everyone of their names. He knew many of their parents, particularly the Slytherins'. He knew which student's parents would die in the oncoming war and he knew which students would also perish. Severus looked down at his notes. Of course, he didn't know exactly who all died. He, himself, had died part-way through the battle of Hogwarts.

Staring at their names, Severus couldn't bring himself to look up again. They were all so young and he felt incredibly old. He was war-weary, despite having a seven-year younger body. A body that had seen hard days, but had been healing for ten years. It didn't have the scars that he would soon become familiar with. His back didn't have the endless ache of kneeling before the Dark Lord. It would see hard days again and Severus didn't know if he could handle the stress and torture a second time.

"Severus?" It was Lily's voice, soft and concerned. He didn't look behind himself to her image, only visible to him. Instead he looked up at the class, who fidgeted at his lapse.

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making," he started, then began to pace the room. The speech was written not ten days after Dumbledore graced him with the job. It had taken him ten days to realize that wizarding youth were far more dangerous with a pewter cauldron than any wizarding mad man. It was a comfort to say the words, a habit from a better time. He had not recited the speech this past year, having been appointed as Headmaster. But being head of the school was hardly a promotion, only another part of the plan.

However teaching dunderheaded students how to brew cures and poisons was simple, better. Severus would almost say he was happy, if he could truly be happy that is. Idiots might make mistakes, cauldrons melt, and someone burns the skin off their arms. But it was innocent and harmless, really. A trip to the infirmary and a detention later and the classroom knew no difference. No one died, no was blackmailed or threatened, and they all came back the next class period with scrolls of half-arsed essays tucked in their sacks.

"I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death..." He paused, his eyes glazing over Harry Potter, the infamous scar barely visible in the soft glow of the dungeons. "If you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach." He grinned, anticipating the first-year pop quiz. He always gave it to some unsuspecting whelp who could cause trouble in the classroom. It was a way to set them straight before the term even started.

He nearly smirked, staring down his nose at the famous Potter. The boy was already looking a little glassy-eyed, obviously not paying attention. Also taking in the same slouched posture that James Potter always exhibited, lazy and bored. Severus found the perfect victim. The words were on his lips, biting and cruel. He would show just how incompetent this young Potter was. Something like pleasure twisted in his stomach.

But a shadow caught his eye. He didn't have to look to know it was Lily. She was walking around the room now, glancing at the preserves on the walls and the ingredients in the cabinet. She had no idea what he was about to do to her son. And Severus knew he wouldn't do it. Even though his throat screamed to chew out Potter, he could not verbally harm him while his mother stood in that very room. Severus closed his eyes, resisting the urge to snarl.

"Longbottom!" he barked, with a little too much violence. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

The pudgy boy sputtered and toppled his ink bottle. Granger's hand immediately flew into the air and Severus steadfastly ignored her. He was trying to ignore everything from Potter, to Lily, to even Finnegan trying to clean up the spilled ink. "Uh, I don't know... sir." Longbottom had lost most of the color in his face and was breathing rapidly.

Severus sneered. "Perhaps the real question will become 'what _do_ you know?'" He whirled around, throwing the next question to Lavender Brown. He only changed victims because Neville Longbottom looked ready to pass out and Severus didn't want a trip to the infirmary so early in the period.

After that his natural rhythm came back to him and Severus was able to guide the class into starting their simple potion: Cure for Boils. Of course, it entirely slipped his mind that Longbottom would manage to botch it up and melt his cauldron. Severus wasn't even sure how the boy could be so destructive with such harmless ingredients. However it gave Severus a certain amount of satisfaction to reprimand Longbottom. He had to admit to himself that it was probably because he hadn't been able to say a word to Potter. His usual habit had to constantly be suppressed and he hadn't realized how unnerved it was making him feel.

With Longbottom taken to the infirmary, Severus dismissed the class. The potion had been cleared, but the cauldron and workbench needed serious repair. Severus took in the twisted lump of metal and wondered if the boy even deserved to make potions again.

"I'd forgotten how exciting first-years could be." Lily walked next to him, also examining the once-pewter cauldron.

He grunted. "Hardly exciting, more dangerous and annoying." He waved his wand, trying the twist the metal back into its proper shape.

She watched him for a moment as he struggled to return the cauldron to the way it was. Potions had certain effects that even a _reparo_ couldn't easily fix. "I saw what you did today," she murmured.

He frowned, not looking at her. "What do you mean?"

"The way you treated Harry..." She trailed off and Severus felt his stomach sinking.

"Was it wrong?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound as insecure as he felt. "I was only being professional."

Lily stepped in front of him so that he was forced to look at her. "Severus, I understand what you were trying to do. But ignoring him isn't going to help us."

He hated the way her green eyes could look at him with such disappointment. "I was only trying to not-" He stopped himself, but he knew she would know what he meant.

"I know, you were trying to not yell at him, demean him, make him feel sorry for being James' son, etc..." She didn't look angry.

He swallowed thickly. "I... I apolo-"

"No, don't apologize." She waved her hand. "I want to make something clear, right now, okay? I don't want to be misunderstood in why I'm here." She looked determined and Severus felt even a little more uneasy. "I'm not here to tell you want to do. You don't have to listen to me and you don't have to please me. I'm here because you want me to be here. I give you guidance because you wish for it." She sighed, smiling slightly. "If you want to do something, then do it. If you want to yell at Harry, then yell at him."

Severus wasn't sure what he was hearing. "But I can't with you-"

Again she cut him off. "No, you can. I'm_ dead_, Severus. You don't have to do anything for me." She reached out, putting her hands on his shoulders; weightless, but still somehow warm. "The only way anything will work is if you wish it to work. I'm glad for your effort today, I really am. But to save Harry, you have to _want_ to save Harry. Ignoring him won't help. At least yelling at him is a form of contact."

Severus felt a little off balance. "You want me to yell at him?"

She snorted. "No, I would like it if you didn't. But I'm not going to tell you to be nice to him when you obviously aren't ready for it." She sighed and stepped back and Severus felt himself breathe a little deeper. "There are many things I wish for. But it's not your job to grant them, Severus. My time has passed, but you have been given a second chance. Do with it what _you_ wish. I have told you my hopes, but that is all they are. I do not have the power to force you to do anything. In fact, we would both only fail if you ever felt forced against your will."

Severus sat on one of the stools, staring at the newly made cauldron. The surface was a bit uneven, but it was the best he could manage. "This is about... being able to change the future, isn't it?"

Lily sat on the desk next to him. "Yes, in a way. A heart's decision cannot be changed by force. The future may seem to change, but it is only the same events happening in different ways."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Severus never slept much while the war waged on. Too many nights he had to be at Death Eater meetings or on personal missions, and then the days were spent with the Order. While the school still ran, he also had to prepare for classes, grade essays, and plan potion lessons. Sleep was a luxury and Severus learned to function with little of it. On a good night, he would have slept four hours. Most nights he lived with a few hours of light sleep at his desk.

But the war wasn't raging now. There was no Dark Lord to grovel before and no Dumbledore to report to. Severus felt behind his first week of classes, but it took little time for him to catch up in the weeks that followed. Sleep was still not an option, however, and Severus lay tense on his bed. The mattress was... soft and the woolen blanket warm and heavy. He stared at the ceiling, feeling his pulse beating loudly in his ears. He couldn't relax. He had forgotten how to.

Severus sat up and the candle on his bedside flashed into life at his bedside. The fire spell reacted to movement. Severus gave his eyes a moment to adjust, but it didn't take long in the dim light. Lily stood in the doorway, as if she had just walked into to see why he rose. He didn't know if she slept; she was always awake when he was.

"Bad dreams?" she asked, softly. She sat down at his bed, even as Severus stood up and put on a heavier robe.

"No dreams," he answered truthfully. He couldn't remember the last time he dreamed. He waved a hand over the candle to snuff it out and walked into his study. Lily followed, but did not question him as he unlocked his wards and made his way into the halls. She seemed to know many things about the world that had happened since she died. He wondered if she knew why he couldn't sleep.

Moonlight streamed through the windows and turned the stone walls into silver light. During the day, the halls were colored by students and banners and posters and practical jokes gone awry. Now everything was one color of night and it calmed Severus. He couldn't sleep, not yet anyway, but walking in Hogwarts at night helped his mind calm. He looked to Lily, who was compatibly silent, looking out the windows as they passed.

She looked more solid in moonlight, or dimmer light generally. He wondered if even though light could not touch her, perhaps darkness could. She trailed a hand along the stone walls and he could hear the soft scraping of her nails. But he couldn't hear that, she wasn't even a ghost, but a spirit. Severus realized that he was remembering the sound. She would do it as they walked the halls together when they were young. He suddenly yearned for those times, for that innocent friendship, for that innocent time. Severus knew he had darkness in him then, even as a boy, but it had not found a shape.

Lily stopped, listening intently. Severus stopped too and heard distant voices. He frowned, hating the students that must have been out of bed. He was notorious for being harsh on any student breaking curfew, but no one knew it was because they had disturbed him from his few moments of peace.

Without a word, Severus turned and walked quickly towards the sounds of a scuffle. The voices were getting louder, more impatient. Severus was only a few meters away from the charms corridor when Peeves gave an ungodly screech: "STUDENTS OUT OF BED! STUDENTS OUT OF BED DOWN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!" Severus sensed moving bodies heading towards him and instinctively ducked into an alcove.

Four small students rushed pasted him, too fast to identify in the darkness. Probably idiotic first years, by the size. Peeves continued to shout, bouncing off the walls and toppling a suit of armor. Severus turned and ran in the direction of the students. Filch would soon arrive to take care of the poltergeist. He could still see the students, more concerned with putting distance between themselves and Peeves than trying to hide. Eventually, they hit a dead end, and in a panic, unlocked the door and jumped inside.

Filch had arrived, from the sounds of his arguing with Peeves. Severus, once again, ducked into the shadows. He did not remember these events, though it was hard to remember one student out of bed from another. At the moment, his instincts were telling him to observe, rather than reveal himself.

Filch stumbled down the hallway, bickering with Peeves. Severus rolled his eyes, hearing the poltergeist play a fool out of the man. They wandered away eventually and Severus looked back to the door, wondering why Filch hadn't checked it. It would be an obvious hiding spot, with few other doors in the area.

There was a strange noise, a rumbling like thunder. Severus realized it was coming from behind the door. There was panicked scream and the classroom burst open to the four students falling on the floor. The growling was thunderous and Severus barely managed a glimpse of a dog's massive head. The children screamed, crawling over each other to get away. Three hoped up quickly, running blindly down the corridor. One, stunned from the chaos, was still on the floor.

It was Harry Potter, Severus realized. The boy recovered his wits quickly and leapt up, slamming the door closed as he darted after his friends. Severus watched him leaving before stepping from the shadows. He walked to the door, hearing the dull whines of the frustrated dog. He ran his fingers down the wood, slowly remembering what lay beyond. He had totally forgotten about the philospher's stone, about the protections, and the warnings. It was all so long ago and seemed strangely unimportant.

He turned and saw Lily looking in the direction that Potter ran in. She never left him, but he knew that she wanted to be with her son. He did not know why she stayed and he did not question. She turned, eventually, to face him. "Back to bed, perhaps?"

"Perhaps," he murmured, and she fell into step beside him. He stopped himself from becoming lost in thought, sensing she had something to say. "What?"

She tugged at her ponytail, twisted the hair in her fingers. "Why did you hide?"

He couldn't explain it. "I didn't feel it was my place to do anything."

"Because you hadn't experienced this event before?"

He remained silent, neither agreeing or disagreeing.

She stepped in front of him, walking backwards so that they would face each other. "What would you have done? If you could do it again."

He frowned. "Stopped them. They were clearly disobeying the rules." He paused. "And aren't I doing it again?"

She grinned, hopping slightly. "Exactly. So tell me, you are living your life over again and so far you have chosen to live as you always have; hiding in shadows."

"I was not hiding. I was observing."

"Of course." She chuckled. "But seriously, I know you acted out of instinct. You felt out of place and so decided to let the events happen as they happened before."

He wasn't entirely sure what she was getting at, but Severus was fairly confident she was chiding him. "What difference would it have made if I stopped them?"

"Well, they wouldn't have gotten such a good look at one of the guardians of the stone."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Potter and his friends are far too nosy and have no respect for rules. They would have found out eventually, I'm sure." Severus also couldn't imagine the year going by without some grand scheme half-baked by Potter and his gaggle of friends.

Lily waved her hands. "Perhaps, but that's not the point. The point is, Sev, you have the opportunity to change the events of this world. You'll find that even the smallest of actions can lead to a larger impact. I'm not saying that you should always act when you hadn't before, but that you remember that you can."

Severus frowned. "This would all be easy if you could tell me exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. 'Saving Potter' is a rather vague phrase, especially when you say I can't defeat Voldemort." He paused. "What am I supposed to be doing, Lily? Why am I here?" He looked around at the gray stone lite by moonlight. "Why do I... why do I get a second chance and you didn't?"

She didn't look at him and he hated that. "I gave up my second chance. I gave it to Harry. And for him, I'd give every chance."

He wanted to ask her why. He wanted to know why she wouldn't try to live a life where she didn't have to sacrifice herself for him. A safer life, a longer life. But Severus didn't say that.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Days passed and Severus was lulled away by the simple comings and goings of Hogwarts. Of course, it wasn't entirely quiet. It didn't take long for McGonagall to approach him, gloating how Gryffindor was going to win the Quidditch Cup this year because a certain first year was recruited to the team as Seeker.

Severus didn't have to pretend to be outraged that Harry Potter had been scouted out. Even if he hadn't been verbally abusing the boy like he used to, he still thought it to be terribly unfair that Potter be given such an unearned benefit. He couldn't complain as loudly about Potter's spoiled life, not with Lily there. But he still thought it and took McGonagall's bragging as an opportunity to let off some steam.

It only seemed to infuriate him further that Lily gave him a knowing smirk. He then wished he had been taunting Potter in class. But, even with Lily's lecture after the first week, Severus still couldn't manage to even look at the boy. If any other parent had been in the room, Severus would have no problem showing the faults of their child, but Lily…Lily was different.

Besides, Severus took no qualms in releasing some tension in the boy's homework. It was abysmal, as usual. Only a step above Longbottom's, and that boy was scrapping the bottom of his cauldron in intelligence. Perhaps it was Severus' cold shoulder, or maybe the harsh grading, but Potter hardly ever said a word in class and spent most of his time trying to see what Granger was doing.

But Severus didn't let himself become entirely complacent. He still knew what lay in the future, after all, and Halloween was quickly approaching. This Halloween stood out in his memory; it was hard to forget a wrestling match with a giant three-headed dog. Thinking of Lily's words from the other night, _I'm not saying that you should always act when you hadn't before, but that you remember that you can_, Severus took out a long roll of parchment and began recording everything he remembered from that day and night.

Lily hovered over him. "What are you planning?"

"Quirrell will release a troll tomorrow night during the feast. He will say it is in the dungeons, but it is really on the third floor, covering his tracks as he attempts to scout out the stone." Severus was writing quickly, drawing a mini diagram so he could visualize it perfectly. "I had previously gone straight to the third floor myself and cut him off. He was inside the room, being attacked and I pulled us both out." He rubbed his leg, remembering the claws that had raked his leg apart. "Naturally, I questioned him, but he said that he was only checking that the stone's protections were still up. A pitiful excuse, but even Dumbledore accepted it when I reported the incident. Anyway," he drew a line down the hallway, "I ran into McGonagall at this point, who was searching for the troll. We heard it not too far away and found it in the girl's bathroom with Potter, Granger, and Weasley."

Lily gasped. "I remember that! How frightening! Wasn't it over twelve feet tall?"

Severus frowned at Lily, who sounded like an annoying doting parent. "Yes, but they seemed to have disposed of it by the time we got there. Then McGonagall had the nerve to _give_ them points for the idiotic stunt. But it doesn't really matter, not when I have a second chance to capture Quirrell."

Lily leaned into his space, so he was forced to look at her. "Forget Quirrell! What about Harry? Are you just, knowingly, going to leave him to tackle a giant mountain troll?!"

"I don't see the problem. They came out unscathed the first time. I see no reason to babysit Potter and his little friends."

Lily, for the first time since Severus' school days, looked utterly furious. "_Severus Snape_! They are students… children!"

He felt uncomfortable and irritated. "And Quirrell is a madman, an agent of the Dark Lord. I will put a stop to him well before the end of the term, when he makes his final move. This is the perfect opportunity."

Lily suddenly backed up, fuming. "I know what you are thinking. _The future will come out the same again_. Well, you know what?! It doesn't always come out the same way again! Just by living your life over, Severus, it isn't the same! Small changes can have unseen side effects. Why can't you understand?!" She waved her hands and he wondered if she wanted to hit him. "Maybe Harry will come out all right. Maybe his heroism and bravery will help him escape death as it will so many times!" She was shouting, but abruptly cut herself off. Her words seemed to echo.

She stepped back them, eyes lowered and figure deflating. Her shoulders began to shake.

"So many times… he will have to live on the edge. Fight his way from torture and death. No plan, no warning," she gasped, choking softly. "Harry… my Harry is so brave… so brave."

Severus stood, but Lily was already walking away. It was strange; she didn't go through the door, but simply disappeared. Severus reached out, as if he could bring her back, but she was gone and he could hear her quiet sobs in his head.

Severus slowly sat back down at his chair, disturbed. He looked down at his parchment, having no will to think of a plan. He knew Lily had a point. The troll would attack first year students and it was his duty, as a professor of the school, to prevent it. But that would mean Quirrell would slide from his grasp, once again. Wasn't defeating the man influenced by the Dark Lord more important?


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Severus sat down uneasily at the feast. McGonagall gave him a concerned look, but quickly frowned. She was still testy from their argument about Potter being recruited for the Quidditch team.

He sneered at her, but still had to ask it. "Where is Professor Quirrell?"

She looked a little confused and glanced around. "I'm sure he's around. The feast hasn't even started." Then she remembered to be annoyed with him and quickly turned away.

Severus rolled his eyes, wondering how the grown, accomplished woman could still act like such a school girl. He turned his gaze toward the rest of the room, spying Potter and Weasley entering alone, without the usual company of Granger.

Severus remembered that Granger had admitted to seeking out the troll herself. She hadn't been punished enough, in his opinion. But even at the time he thought it sounded a little strange. Granger was the definition of a know-it-all bookworm, but she didn't have the rash stupidity of Weasley and Potter. He hadn't known her very well, at the time, so he didn't dwell on it.

Now Severus wondered at her absence. She couldn't have gone after the troll already. Nobody knew it would be coming. He stared at Weasley and Potter, looking to them for clues. They looked a little unsettled. Weasley more than Potter; the red-haired boy looked downright guilty. Potter was entranced by the enchanted bats flying overhead.

Severus looked to his side, half-expecting Lily to make some comment that would be simultaneously inane and enlightening. But she wasn't there. Severus wasn't too worried, though, she had promised not to leave him. And, in a strange way, he could feel her there; the same as he could feel McGonagall beside him. But Lily was not seen or heard. However, he felt that if he were to call out, she would appear.

He turned his attention back to the boys, wondering if there was something here that he missed the first time around. Then he wondered if it was even important. After all, Quirrell was due to make an appearance soon.

Not a moment after the feast had been served, the stuttering fool rushed into the Great Hall.

"Troll—in the dungeons—thought you ought to know." He fainted against the table and the Hall exploded in panic and mayhem. Dumbledore calmed the students and sent them away. He then turned to the professors, directing them on how to deal with the situation.

Severus was only half paying attention, his eyes following Potter and Weasley. The boys were looking worried, sticking close together and whispering hurriedly. There was something else going on, besides the troll; Severus could see it on their faces.

The Professors were moving around him, some heading towards the dungeons, others to assist the students. Severus found himself facing Dumbledore. His eyes were blue and sharp. "I trust you know what to do?" he asked.

Severus knew exactly what he had to do. He nodded shortly and whirled around. He melded into the mash of students exiting the Hall. Lily was beside him. "Severus-" she started.

"Keep an eye on Potter," he broke in, whispering harshly. He couldn't believe he was doing this. "I might lose him in this madness."

He wasn't looking at Lily, but her form seemed to warm beside his. He felt something like a soft hand against the side of his neck. But he ignored it as he tried to keep his eyes on Weasley's hair, which stood out among the crowd.

Entering the hallway, Severus almost lost sight as the Gryffindors collided with Hufflepuffs. But Lily pointed down a less crowded hallway. "They went that way."

Severus untangled himself from the students and strode down the hallway. He hadn't seen Potter or Weasley, but he had to trust Lily.

He had to trust Lily.

He turned the corner and only saw an abandoned hallway. He walked a little more slowly, trying to listen and think. He had found Potter and his friends in the girl's bathroom. Where was the girl's bathroom? Were they there now? He walked on, heading up some stairs.

A high scream made him miss some steps. Severus caught himself before he could completely fall down. He whirled around, rushing back down the stairs.

"_Hermione!_" It sounded like Potter and Weasley. There was an open door down the hallway and Severus sprinted to it. The smell of the beast and the sounds of its roars hit Severus before the sight of it.

Severus almost wished he had chosen to go after Quirrell. The scrawny man looked much easier to defeat than the giant troll that barely fit in the small girl's bathroom. They were all in one corner, facing down the troll.

"Confuse it!" Potter shouted. Weasley whirled on the beast, looked pale and terrified. They hadn't seen Severus and the man had no idea what to do. Potter was in the corner, trying to coax the petrified Granger to the door. Weasley threw a metal pipe at it, distracting it.

Severus found his wand arm reacting instinctively. "_Stupify!_" he shouted, running into the room. The spell managed to make the troll stagger, but not fall. It stumbled around, angry and confused. The troll raised its club, smashing it against the walls. Tile and porcelain rained on them all. Weasley screamed, throwing himself into the hallway and out of the debris. Severus launched himself at Potter and Granger, covering them as best he could. Something hard hit his shoulder and he fell to a crouch.

Severus turned quickly, shouted two other stunning spells in succession. The troll was stunned only slightly and swayed on the spot, the beady eyes obviously trying to focus again. It raised its club blindly and threw it, obviously losing its grip. Severus hadn't even time raise his wand for a shield. The club hit him on his chest, near his shoulder. He fell against the wall, hearing something made a crunching noise in his chest.

Dazed, he barely had time to look up and see Potter launching himself at the beast. Small, and quick, he jumped up on his back. Whether intentionally or not, his wand was rammed up the troll's nose. That was more of a distraction than anything it had encountered so far. It screamed and Weasley screamed as well. "_Wingardium Leviosa!_"

Severus still had enough logical thought to think that Weasley must have chosen the least helpful spell from his idiotic collection.

The troll's club rose into the air, however. And with the control of horned slug covered in salt, Weasley whirled his wand around and miraculously managed to hit the troll on the back of the head without touching Potter.

Potter fell off and dodged aside as the troll fell forward. Dead or knocked out, Severus could tell that it wasn't getting up anytime soon. Severus staggered to his feet, just in time to hear McGonagall bursting into the ruined bathroom. Quirrell was behind her and paled at the sight of the troll face first on the floor.

McGonagall took all of two seconds to start screaming. "What on earth-!? Professor Snape!?" She made a move towards him, but Severus held up his hand.

"I'm fine, the troll has been subdued."

She looked at all of them, clearly confused. "What happened here, Severus?" Weasley looked stunned, Granger was staring at her feet, and Potter was staring at him. Severus felt his chest and shoulder aching, but ignored it.

"I arrived after these three had already been engaged in battle with the troll. I attempted to stupefy it, but was… unsuccessful." He pursed his lips, feeling a little ill. He couldn't believe he was doing this. Lily's hand was on his neck again, warmer and stronger. He looked at McGonagall. "Potter and Weasley managed to defeat it after I had thoroughly distracted the beast." It felt strangely like praise, and he bit down an insult to compensate.

The woman was stunned. "What?" She looked to the boys. "You two brought it down?"

Weasley still had his wand raised, unable to speak. Potter looked from Severus to McGonagall for several moments before deciding to speak. "Yes," he offered meekly. He hesitated, but continued. "But Professor Snape stunned it enough that we could do something."

Severus stared at Potter now, feeling a little confused. Not that Potter was painting him a glorious figure, but he had never heard the boy offer any sort of regard. McGonagall was looking to Severus again, also a little confused. She got over it quickly enough.

"Why were you three here to begin with?" She didn't sound angry anymore, just curious.

Granger spoke up. "I was here first. Then the troll came in. Harry and Ron must have heard the commotion."

"Why were you here, Miss Granger, and not back at the dormitory?" McGonagall asked sternly.

Granger flushed and then Severus noticed that her eyes were red. He had seen her screaming and looking faint from the troll. But she hadn't been crying. The way her eyes now were rimmed with red and swollen, showed that she had been crying, perhaps for hours. She hadn't come to the feast because she was here. The troll was here and she hadn't heard the announcement.

Severus suddenly thought it was all simple. Potter and Weasley must have had some argument with her. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence throughout the rest of their years. Severus remembered on several occasions Potter being only among one friend or the other. In this case, Granger was upset and didn't attend the feast. She hadn't sought out the troll at all. But she had previously lied so that Potter and Weasley wouldn't be blamed for coming after to her.

Granger was still trying to come with an answer, obviously unwilling to reveal whatever argument her and the two boys had. Severus stepped forward. "I'm sure it's unimportant to the matter at hand, Minerva," he cut in. "We first have to figure out how the troll appeared up here and not in the dungeons." He looked quickly to Quirrell and the man visibly flinched.

McGonagall nodded. "Yes, I suppose that is more important. I'll go report this to the headmaster. Severus, do come up after you've visited the hospital wing." She turned to Quirrell. "Oh, and Professor Quirrell, please clean up the mess, will you?"

The man stuttered and Severus felt like spitting on him. Spotting the familiar glint in McGonagall's eye, Severus quickly left the room before he could hear her give points for the tremendously stupid occasion.

The hallways were abandoned and Severus took his time walking to the hospital wing. He held his elbow, trying to keep his shoulder steady, but it jarred with pain with every step.

He saw Lily come into view beside him. "Severus… thank you." Her eyes were soft and green. Severus could only look away.

"Don't thank me," he muttered hoarsely. "I'm trying to decide whether being mauled by a giant three-headed dog or being smashed by the twelve foot mountain troll is better."

She smiled, soft. "I'm sure we'll find out."

He stared at her, wondering what she meant.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Madam Pomfrey wasn't Severus' favorite healer. She hemmed and hawed far too much for his liking. If he could manage, he would heal his own injuries. But he wasn't quite adept at mending bones, so he forced himself to sit through a full examination by the woman.

Even several days later, his shoulder still ached, but he knew it would pass. He had suffered much worse injures during the first and second war. The rumors of Potter's battle with the troll circulated around the school. Only a few voiced that Professor Snape had been present as well.

Severus didn't want himself to be gossip fodder for adolescent wizards and witches, so he strove to be even more vindictive and harsh in class. Soon, no one was talking about him again, though it was rather annoying to hear whispers of Potter's 'great victory'.

Severus hadn't changed his attitude in class towards the boy, though it was becoming hard for him to hold back. Every glance and smirk and twitch from the boy irritated Severus to no end. He didn't know how he could keep this up for years to come. The boy would only become more big-headed and mindlessly praised among his peers as he grew older.

So Severus wasn't pleased when, at the end of the first year Slytherin and Gryffindor potions class, Potter lingered behind. Severus stared at the boy, half glaring and half curious. Granger and Weasley waited for him, at first, but he waved them away. Weasley, particularly, hesitated. But Potter ignored him and approached Severus' desk.

For a moment, they both stared at each other. Severus was glaring and the boy looked uncomfortable, but oddly determined. Severus had no idea what to expect. Potter then jerked into action and dug around in his bag and pulled out a somewhat abused parchment. "I uh…well, I was just…" He held the parchment loosely and Severus sneered.

"What is it, Potter?" he spat.

The boy hesitated and looked up. Severus hated how his eyes were so precisely like Lily's. "My essay," he blurted and shoved the parchment forward. "You wrote something on my essay and I don't understand."

Severus looked down. It was an assigned essay from two weeks ago. It was a pitiful effort on Potter's part as he attempted to explain three uses for flobberworm mucus in ten inches. The essay was littered with red markings from Severus. He looked up. "If you are expecting a higher grade, then you are wasting both of our time."

Potter flushed slightly. "No, I'm not. I'm just have a question about my fourth paragraph. He pointed at the sentence in particular: _The next purpose of flobberworm mucus is to be a thickener. In potions like Cure for Boils, it will make it thicker._

Severus slide his eyes to his own response. _Truly, a thickener makes potions thicker? How extraordinary. And a substance as viscous as mucus can be used to such an effect? A remarkable conclusion. Do attempt to exercise your mind a little further before making such wild accusations, Mr. Potter._

He smiled at his own wit. But he schooled himself as he looked back up to Potter. "Yes? Is there a question?"

Potter was looking like he would just walk away. But he spoke instead. "Yeah, I looked up the three uses in the book and a thickener was there. So I don't know why you took off points."

He narrowed his eyes. "If you need clarification, why don't you ask Miss Granger? She seems to have all the answers."

Potter rolled his eyes, something which Severus found very irritating. "I _did_, but she said if I didn't understand, then I should ask you."

Severus breathed slowly out of his mouth. Might as well answer the question and get the boy out of his sight as quickly as possible. "What perhaps you skimmed over in your assigned text, is that flobberworm mucus is used as a thickening agent for only a few potions that need to be applied on the skin as a salve. Though pixie dust is preferred for this function, as its base quality is to keep it from reacting too harshly against most ingredients. But porcupine quills, and many other abrasive substances, need to be completely coated in the simmering process. Flobberworm mucus is very effective in this way."

Potter stared at him and Severus resisted the urge to smirk. He fully expected the boy to leave him alone. Instead Potter's eyes slowly widened and a hushed "oh" came out. He quickly bent over his parchment, digging out a bent quill from the pocket of his robes. "So, I didn't complete the question, right? I remember the book mentioning how pixie dust is more useful, but I didn't understand why we used flobberworm mucus instead. It makes sense though." He was making notes on the side of his essay in cramped, messy writing. He looked up. "You know, I think Hermione did mention something like that to me. But she tends to talk a lot, so it's hard to pay attention all the time." He suddenly smiled at Severus. "Thanks." He bent over again.

Severus felt a little stunned. He hadn't expected that. He didn't know what to say and could only watch dumbly as Potter whirled around, grabbed the nearest stool so he could sit at the desk. Severus felt himself lean back a little, finding it very unnerving that Potter was so casually close. He had the urge to snap at the boy and make him back up a few feet, but something about the way his head was tilted over his parchment, or how he absently was biting the edge of his lip in concentration made him hesitate.

After Potter finished writing, he shot another question at Severus. "So, when you marked me down in my next paragraph because I didn't-," he glanced down, "-_elaborate on the functions of acids and bases_. That has to do with how pixie dust and flobberworm mucus are different bases?"

Severus swallowed thickly, looking down at the parchment for something to look at. "Well, the problem with your conclusion wasn't that you misjudged acids and bases, but that you didn't realize that pixie dust is more neutral than flobberworm mucus. So flobberworm mucus can't be used in a highly acidic potion."

Potter was writing again and Severus leaned forward to read the words. _Acids and bases react poorly to each other, don't mix._ It was rather inane sounding, but if it would keep Potter from exploding a cauldron anytime soon, then it was for the best. The boy suddenly looked curious.

"But didn't we put flobberworm mucus with Horklump juice this class for the herbicide? I thought you said not to get Horklump juice on your hands because it was very acidic."

He had, hadn't he? "Well, when you need to put flobberworm mucus with an acid, you have to be cautious. Or did you not notice that we tampered the product with crushed rosehip leaves and waited ten minutes before adding the Horklump juice and spines of Lionfish?"

Potter smiled again. "I guess that makes sense." He ran a hand through his hair. Severus thought that it should remind him of James Potter, but it was different. It was more of an act of nervousness instead of a way to impress idiotic girls.

It also was a bit different as the motion revealed the trademarked scar from beneath the messy fringe. Severus' eyes flicked to it automatically and Potter noticed. He quickly flattened his hair, as if he was ashamed. He quickly stood up, gathering his things.

"Well, next class will be starting soon. So I better go." Severus looked to a clock on the wall and knew he would soon be bombarded by first year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs.

He stood up too and waved his wand, producing a thin slip of parchment. He handed it to Potter before he really realized what he was doing. The boy stared at it, unsure, and Severus was starting to feel foolish. "It's a pass. Give it to your next teacher."

Potter took it slowly. "Thanks. I mean… for all of it."

Severus sighed. "I'm a potions master. I assure you that no question you ask could possibly be an effort on my part to answer."

Potter took a moment to digest that before grinning. The third smile in the conversation. "Sure, sounds good. But I meant about the… the troll." He bit his lip. "Thanks for coming and helping and…" He wasn't looking at Severus, but his left shoulder. "Well, everyone thinks that I did something really great, when I was just really… scared and stuff." He shifted on his feet. "I'm… glad you were there. So thanks, I guess."

Severus was saved from having to reply as Potter left quickly. Severus found himself eternally thankful for first year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws to distract him from the strangely… civil conversation he just had with Harry Potter.

* * *

He was dreaming of Harry Potter, but not the eleven year old he saw only that afternoon. It was the Harry Potter from his previous life, the seventeen year old boy. It wasn't a memory Severus recognized.

Potter was walking through a quaint muggle dwelling. There were pictures on the wall of an extremely fat, blond haired boy. Only a few of two parents; another fat muggle man and a thin woman that looked familiar. Potter was lugging a trunk, his broomstick, and his owl's cage down the steps.

He paused in the entry hall, looking out on of the small windows, obviously expecting someone. He picked up his owl.

"Don't you want to take a last look at the place? We'll never be here again. Don't you want to remember all the good times? I mean, look at this doormat. What memories… Dudley puked on it after I save him from the dementors… Turns out he was grateful after all, can you believe it? And last summer, Dumbledore walked through that front door…"

He paused, staring at the door as if it were a curious object. As if he didn't understand it or just realized that it was there. Severus couldn't read him, and he couldn't read this strange occurrence.

Potter suddenly turned around. "And under here, Hedwig—" He pulled open a small door from beneath the stairs. "— is where I used to sleep! You never knew me then—Blimey, it's small, I'd forgotten."

He stared at the cupboard under the stairs for a long time, before being interrupted by the sounds of people apparating just outside.

Severus woke up to the darkness of his dungeon quarters. He blinked a few times, trying to move the strange image from his mind. He looked around the room, spotting Lily sitting at the end of his bed.

She had her knees drawn up, curled to herself. She might have been crying. "Lily," he whispered. She didn't move or react. He closed his eyes slowly and saw the dream replaying again.

He wasn't sure what was going on. Perhaps she was dreaming or in a trance. But this was a memory she had of her son. Like a nightmare, she replayed it in her mind, and sending it, perhaps unknowingly, to Severus.

He slowly lay back down, not going back to sleep. He didn't want to relive the strange vision again.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The days were colder, moving into November, and it seemed the whole school was excited for Gryffindor's first match. "It will be Harry's first time playing as Seeker," Lily mentioned on more than one occasion.

Severus found himself very uninterested in the upcoming Quidditch match. Despite Slytherin playing, he had other things on his mind, including the strange conversation with Potter, only two weeks ago, and the even stranger dream sent by Lily. Lily had not mentioned it to him the next morning, so he assumed she didn't know of the phenomenon.

Potter had also not approached Severus after class again. But he was now among the few stragglers to answer questions during class. Upon seeing it for the first time, Severus called on him out of curiosity. The boy gave a somewhat adequate answer. Severus did not give points for the attempt as most other professors might have, but he did not take away either. Potter didn't give a reaction either way, but would dutifully take notes. He was also beginning to look more at his own work than Granger's, but not much of an improvement was otherwise seen.

Severus was glad Potter had not made a habit of approaching him. Granted, in the past few weeks he hadn't felt a strong urge to berate the boy, but he certainly didn't want Potter to think he was friendly either.

So Severus moved through the days until the Quidditch match, trying to generally stay away from everyone. Lily finally decided to comment on it as he was making his way to the pitch. "Are you alright, Sev? You seem out of sorts."

He spoke under his breath. "Nothing in particular. I do need to re-charm the heating in my rooms. It got below freezing last night."

Lily chuckled. "And how would you know? You spend most nights wandering the halls."

He raised an eyebrow at her, but didn't comment. They were near the stadium now and Severus didn't want to be caught talking to nothing. As he found his seat, Quirrell gave him a shaky grin by way of a greeting. Severus was surprised at first, remembering Quirrell being half-terrified of him for most of the year.

But he hadn't been as threatening this year, he remembered now. Because his constant harassment of Quirrell had been ineffective in his previous life, Severus was lying low and watching the man from the distance. He frowned, unsure if he was making the right decision on that part. But Lily was so adamant that he do little against Quirrell and more for Potter, that he hadn't really thought about it.

Severus sat above him, next to Flitwick, who was so eager to see the match that he was bouncing in his seat. "Minerva has said many good things about Potter's skills. Should be enlightening to see him perform. I'm not too worried, however; Tanya Hedging is Ravenclaw's new Seeker. There is no sharper eye than hers."

Severus ignored the small man, not caring one way or the other. Potter was an unfortunately good Seeker, though he did remember the boy to be absent at the end of the year, giving the cup to Slytherin in any case.

The Quidditch match began, saving Severus from most of Flitwick's conversation. He sighed, sat back in his chair and waited for it to be over.

"He loves to fly." Lily sat in the aisle next to his seat. Her eyes were locked on Potter. "Look at him, a complete natural." She turned to Severus. "He loved his toy broomstick as a kid too, you know."

Severus closed his eyes. "I know," he whispered. He had taken a photo from Grimwald place in his last year of life. He hadn't paid much attention to the toddler crashing into things on his broomstick. He had ripped off Lily's image and had taken it with him.

"You know, when he casts a Patronus, sometimes he thinks of the first time he flew."

He stared at her, wondering why she would mention that to him. He turned away, muttering. "He hasn't cast a Patronus yet."

Flitwick turned to him. "Say something, Severus?"

Severus shook his head. "Nothing of importance."

"Well, I have to say, this match is certainly very even. Now your Slytherins have as good a team as any year, but Gryffindor has-" He gasped, cutting off his own words. "Look there!" He pointed and Severus looked up.

Harry Potter seemed to have lost control of his broom. It was jerking and spinning wildly as the boy tried to hold on. The Weasley twins attempted to approach him, but the broom wouldn't let them near.

"Oh my!" Flitwick gasped. "But that's a Nimbus Two-Thousand! Who could be cursing it?"

_Cursing?_ Severus thought very quickly and a rush of memories came back to him. _Counter-curse!_ This had happened before and he had tried to stop it. It must be Quirrell trying to take advantage of Dumbledore's absence and kill Potter. Severus had started on the counter-curse before, not knowing who was doing the curse. But he was sure now and this time, he wasn't going to let the opportunity pass.

Quirrell was only two chairs in front of him. Without much thought, or much time, as the broom became more violent, Severus launched himself at the other man. There were shouts and screams and Severus fell between two seats. He managed to lift himself up in time to hear Lily scream.

"_Harry!_"

He looked around and saw the boy dropping out of the air. Severus forced himself to his feet, not caring where Quirrell was anymore. Everything seemed to happen so fast, yet so slow. The Weasley twins tried to catch Potter, but the broom had flung him just out of reach. The boy was plummeting to the ground and no other person had a fast enough broom.

"_Aresto Momentum!_" The spell shot from Flitwick's wand. The small man had power, but the spell was only enough to slow down Potter. The boy still hit the ground hard and in moments everyone in the stands was launching themselves at the field, trying to see what had happened.

McGonagall, being closer in the commentators' booth, was the first professor on the ground. The students cleared a path and she quickly assessed the boy. Severus couldn't see anything, nor did he see where Quirrell disappeared to. Lily was at his side, shaking and holding herself with her arms.

"_Harry_," she moaned, over and over.

McGonagall straightened up and handed something to the Gryffindor captain. Then she neatly levitated Potter and took him away. Everyone stared as Potter left, but were quickly distracted when the Gryffindor captain held up his arm. "The Snitch!" he cried. "Potter caught the Snitch!"

It was absolute mayhem then and students tried to figure out what happened and the teams argued whether it was an official win. Severus took a back route down the stands, rushing back to the castle.

"Severus!" Lily cried. "What happened? What happened there?"

He turned to her, feeling as though he could pull his hair out. "I don't know, Lily. I forgot. I had forgotten that Quirrell cursed Potter's broom. I… forgot." He rubbed his hands over his eyes. "How did I_ forget_?"

He had a direct part in it, it affected him later, as he refereed for the next Quidditch match. This wasn't some small event; it had impact on Severus' life. How could he forget?

He looked sharply at Lily, who was staring towards the castle, pacing in a small spot. "Lily, tell me why I forgot."

She was distracted. "What are you talking about?"

He wished that he could seize her by the shoulders. Instead, he stepped forward. "Why would I forget? Tell me."

She blinked, pausing. "If you are asking that, then you probably know why."

He snared, whirling around a pacing three steps before coming back. "This is what you meant, wasn't it! When you said I wouldn't live through the same torture. You meant that I would forget! I would forget the future and not remember living through it again!" He whipped out his wand, aiming at the forest and letting out a great stream of red sparks. It made sense. He had already been forgetting things. He had forgotten Longbottom blowing up the cauldron on the first day.

Severus let out a jet of silver sparks, watching them crack across the ground like lightening.

He remembered a whole host of other small forgotten memories from the past months. He tried remembering what he had done this summer. What happened next year, the year after that. There were holes, everywhere. He could see it now that he was paying attention. He was forgetting the future and he forgot that Quirrell cursed Potter's broom.

He sent a stream of green sparks to the sky, watching the fall down around him.

"_Damn it, Lily!_" he hissed, trying to control himself. "What didn't you tell me?!"

She was silent and he turned to glare at her. She looked guilty, but only a little. She looked mostly sad. "I knew you would be upset," she whispered.

"Upset? _Upset!_ So you just waited until something like this happened, in which I forgot something extremely important, and just let your son fall out of the _sky?!_"

She flinched, the words striking her. "I didn't mean… I don't want Harry to be hurt. You had used the counter-curse last time. I thought it would play out the same."

"Oh! Oh, I see now! So I can't assume the future will play out the same, but you can?! Well, just _lovely!_" he spat.

She held up her hands. "I didn't mean it like that. Truly, I thought of mentioning this to you before. But I hadn't realized that you would forget this event, or that you had been forgetting. Please, Severus, you must believe me that I had no intention of misleading you."

He was still angry, furious even. But he was beginning to cool down. There was no point in yelling at Lily. She was dead, after all, there was little he could do to hurt her now. Instead, he whirled around and strode back to the castle.

She ran to catch up. "Severus, please… please look at me. Tell me what you are thinking."

He ignored her, thrusting the front doors open with more force than necessary. He headed for the dungeons, but Lily dove in front of him.

"Severus. Can you… can you go to the hospital wing? Please, I need to see Harry. Please, Severus." Her green eyes were glassy, like they were wet. But had hadn't seen her cry. He had never seen her cry in this form. Severus suddenly wondered if she could.

He closed his eyes and recited all of the potion ingredients he had in stock, until he was calm enough to speak. "Not for long. I have some things I need to do."

He didn't look at her as he walked towards the hospital wing. He was relatively confident that if she really wanted to leave him and follow Potter instead, she would. By asking him to go, she showed that she wanted to stay with Severus. It was a strange, petty sort of feeling that Severus couldn't adequately describe. But it made him feel both victorious and ashamed.

Severus entered the hospital wing to find it crowded with teachers and students. Madam Pomfrey was bustling around, trying to tend to the newest patient and remove those in her way. Severus moved to the side as she ushered out Granger, Weasley and a few other followers of Potter.

The healer barely spared a glance for him as she went back behind the privacy curtain. Severus followed her and realized why she wouldn't raise an eyebrow at his presence. The space around the bed was already filled with professors. McGonagall and Flitwick were talking in hushed voices. Dumbledore stood on the other side, speaking to Madam Pomfrey.

Severus stood apart and watched Lily go and sit on the boy's bed. Potter did not stir, despite the noise in the room. Lily leaned forward, resting her hand on the limp one. Severus wondered if Potter could feel his mother's touch.

He caught the eye of Pomfrey and she walked over to him. "What is his status?"

She paused. "Status? Oh! He is fine, really. Just a dislocated shoulder and a concussion. Nothing to be worried about." Lily looked up at the words, her face a picture of worry. Severus, on the other hand, grimaced at the implication that he was 'worried' about Potter. Pomfrey continued: "I've given him a sleeping potion so he can rest most of it off. Once he wakes, I'll give him a stronger dose of painkillers." She spared the boy a glance. "Probably keep him overnight, just to be safe. But I will be needing some restocking from you, Severus." She was suddenly business again. "I've made a list. Mostly sleeping potions and pepper-up potions. Would you like me to get it from my office?"

Severus nodded. Madam Pomfrey owl-ordered most of the potions needed for the hospital wing, otherwise it would be a bit much for Severus to be a full-time professor and keep the entire school stocked with basic healing potions. For her to ask him meant she was running especially low. He briefly wondered if she ever learned that a year with Potter meant a busy year in the hospital wing.

As the healer left, Dumbledore slid into her place. Severus hadn't talked to him directly since the Halloween incident. He felt somewhat guilty. Before Dumbledore's mishandling of cursed rings, they had usually shared tea once a week, outside of the usual Order meetings. But the headmaster hadn't called him up and it completely slipped Severus' mind. Of course, many things had been slipping from his mind.

With that thought, he found his gaze lingering on Lily again, who seemed to be whispering something to Potter.

"Poppy is confident he will be back to normal by tomorrow morning," Dumbledore said consolingly.

Severus grimaced, annoyed that his behavior had been mistaken again for worry. But he couldn't say he was watching the boy's mother, so he just ignored it. "I'm assuming Flitwick gave a report from the match?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, 170-60, Gryffindor won. Of course, I'm sure your Slytherin team played very well." He smiled crookedly and Severus resisted the urge to glare at him.

"I'm speaking of the incident with Potter's broom," he growled.

The headmaster lost that damned twinkle in his eye. "Yes, Filius did inform me of the incident." He looked down at Potter and did not say more.

Severus didn't feel like being patient today. He wanted to be in his dungeons, not hovering over a sickbed. "Well? What were his conclusions?"

Dumbledore didn't look at him. "A cursed broom. Very powerful." He paused, slowly glance up at Severus. "Then he said you went berserk and flung yourself from your seat." He almost looked like he was laughing. "Very out of character, Severus. Perhaps you could enlighten me about the details."

Severus didn't care much for his tone. But he might as well take this opportunity while he could; McGonagall was still speaking with Flitwick. He lowered his voice. "I was attacking Professor Quirrell. He was the one cursing the broom."

Dumbledore's eyes widened in disbelief. "Really? Did you see him?"

Severus ground his teeth. He hadn't, actually. And lying wouldn't help him. Flitwick knew Severus had been sitting a row behind Quirrell and not at an angle to see his face. "No, but I didn't need to."

"Oh? So you have some other form of evidence?"

"No, not at the moment."

Dumbledore sighed. "This is not the time to be making wild accusations," he chided softly and Severus almost choked.

"I know I have nothing concrete now. But you must take my word. He-"

Dumbledore raised a hand to silence him. His blue eyes were almost… cold. "When you have brought to me evidence to back up your words, then we will speak again. For the time being, I see no immediate danger and will look into this incident at a later date."

Severus opened his mouth to argue some more, but the headmaster had already turned away. Severus watched as Dumbledore walked over to McGonagall and speak with her. His eyes were light again as he spoke to the deputy headmistress and Severus wondered what he had done wrong.

"Do you not remember?" It was Lily and Severus saw that she was now trying to smooth back Potter's hair. His fingers slid through his fringe without touching it. She glanced back at him. "When did you and Dumbledore become close? True confidants?"

Severus watched as Dumbledore and the other two professors left the room together. He felt almost… left out, as juvenile as that seemed. With Madam Pomfrey still in her office, he sat down the in chair and cast a_muffliato_ spell. "I… don't remember."

"Yes, you do. You just don't like it."

Severus tried to remember when their weekly tea started, why it started. "I suppose it was following the Dark Lord's return. He needed me to give constant reports. I guess it developed into something more… social." He looked to the door.

"So he didn't start listening to you until he needed your services?" Lily's voice was harsh.

Severus was surprised. "I suppose." He paused, studying the lines in her frown. "Why do you sound offended?"

She tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. "I don't always agree with Dumbledore's opinion."

"When?" He had always thought Lily and James Potter were good friends with the headmaster.

She sighed. "I'll tell you another time. Just not when Harry's lying in a hospital bed, okay?"

He didn't answer, but stood up as Pomfrey came bustling out of her office. "Sorry about the wait, Severus. But I misplaced my list. I'll have to take stock again and write up a new one. I'll send it to you later or you could wait here. It shouldn't take more than half an hour."

Severus glanced down at Lily, who was back to fawning over her son. He closed his eyes. "I'll wait here, if you don't mind."

The healer was, as expected, rather surprised. "Really? Oh, well then. I suppose you could give Potter this-" She handed him a small vial. "-and make sure his motor reactions are normal and that he is fully cognisant. I will have to give him more sleeping draught later to help him sleep overnight. But I wanted to make sure he was functional once everyone left."

Severus took the vial, recognizing the awakener potion inside. "Are you sure you wish me to perform this?"

She nodded, briskly. "Yes, of course. Just talk to him and make sure he isn't having any delusions. I'll do a more thorough examination later." She looked at Potter, gave another short nod and walked back into her office.

Severus rubbed his head whilst looking at the small vial of potion._ 'Talk to him…'_ Severus wasn't sure he could handle that at all. But he leaned forward and let a few drops slide into Potter's mouth. He knew that if he disobeyed the healer's orders, she would nag his head off.

The potion only took seconds to react. Potter grimaced and his eyes started moving under his lids until he finally cracked one open. He looked around the room for a few moments, before landing on Severus. The boy stared at him for a long time.

The potions master sneered. "I don't suppose you'll inform me that I've grown pixie wings."

Potter blinked, apparently too groggy to understand sarcasm. "Pr'fessor?" he slurred and swallowed. "Imma in potions class?"

Severus rolled his eyes and reached forward, snapping his fingers at Potter's ears. The boy flinched accordingly. He also pulled out his wand and cast a soft _lumos_. "Follow the light, if you can."

Potter's eyes obediently followed the light, not aware enough to argue with the simple command. Once Severus was somewhat confident the boy hadn't suffered brain damage, he sat back and let the boy remember how he got there.

It didn't take too long. "I'm in the hospital wing? But I-" He sat straight up. "The match! How did the match go?"

Potter wasn't even looking at Severus, but around the room. "You were attacked, Potter. Do you remember that?" he drawled.

The boy looked curious, and ignored the sarcasm. "My broom wouldn't obey me. And I fell and I caught…" His eyes lit up and he was beaming at Severus. Something the man found distinctly uncomfortable. "I caught the snitch! I remember!" He felt around his pajamas and the bed sheets. "It _has_ to be around here somewhere."

Severus snorted. "Yes, you caught the snitch, Potter, in an act of incomprehensible luck. Professor McGonagall found it on your person before she brought you here." He leaned forward. "Now concentrate, Potter. Do you know who attacked you?" If, by some saving grace, the boy had spotted Quirrell muttering a curse, then Dumbledore would have to investigate.

Potter attempted the concentrate, but the realization that he had won the match for his team seemed too overwhelming. "I don't know. I was just trying to stay on my broom. Do you think someone caught it? I don't want to lose it. Where is everyone? Should I go back to the common room? I bet they are all celebrating." He grinned, mostly to himself.

Severus rubbing the bridge of his nose; the boy was useless. "Potter, do you even care that you were just attacked and nearly killed?"

The boy sobered slightly. "Of course I do! But I'm not too worried. Whoever did it is probably the same person who is looking for a way past Fluffy and get whatever it's guarding." Severus felt himself holding his breath and Potter suddenly paled, realizing what he just said. "Well… that is… I mean…" He trailed off, his eyes searching the corners of the room for appropriate excuses.

Severus closed his eyes. He knew the boy had famously defeated Quirrell and the Dark Lord during his first year. But Severus had always been under the impression that Potter had just stumbled through the challenges by chance and had defeated the Dark Lord in the process. He had no idea that the boy actually had known about the three-headed dog and that it was guarding something.

"Potter," Severus cut into his mindless mumbling. "How did you find out about the three-headed dog? And why do you think it's guarding something?"

Potter rolled his eyes. "Well, I doubt Dumbledore would just have a giant three-headed dog on hand if it wasn't there to guard something."

"_Professor_ Dumbledore," he chided. "How did you find out about it?"

The boy looked around the room, as if he could escape. "Accident," he mumbled.

Severus remembered now, he had been there when the boy had discovered the dog. Potter and his friends had been sneaking around the school and had stumbled into the door on the third floor. He had been too distracted by other things at the time to really comprehend what he had witnessed.

But it all didn't really matter. Whether or not Potter was destined to save the stone, it was Severus' job to dissuade him. "Listen, Potter." He leaned forward and the boy looked a little frightened. "Don't go poking around where you aren't welcome. This is a school, not a playground where you can go sneaking around at night to solve 'mysteries'. If things are kept behind locked doors, it is because they are dangerous and unpredictable."

Potter bit his lip. "But-"

Severus scowled and the boy shut up. "Do you understand what I am saying?"

Potter looked at his bed sheets. "Yes," he whispered.

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Look at me."

The boy did, his green eyes dark and defiant. Severus knew this wasn't the end of Potter's nightly escapades. He suddenly thought of Lily and the worrying and fretting when Potter had fallen from his broom. He found his voice coming out softer. "So many people here are trying to keep you safe. Do you understand that? If you refuse to take care of your own safety, how are we to keep you from harm?"

Potter's eyes cleared a little and he looked down, staying silent for a minute. "Okay," he whispered and Severus knew that was the best answer he could get.

The door opened and Pomfrey appeared at Potter's bedside. "How are you feeling?"

Potter wasn't looking at her. "I'm fine."

Severus pursed his lips. "I highly doubt that, Potter. Madam Pomfrey is a professional healer, so she needs to know exactly how you are doing."

The boy looked at him, a little confused. He eventually turned to Pomfrey. "My head hurts… a little."

She nodded, her eyes flickering to Severus. "Very normal for what you have been through. Anything else? Are you thirsty or nauseous?"

He shook his head. "No, just tired."

She smiled. "Well, I'll give you something to help you sleep in a minute." She turned to Severus, who immediately rose to leave. "Here is my list. I'm in desperate need of the pepper-up potions. Can I have those by the end of the week?" She gave him the piece of paper. Severus only glanced at it.

"Of course." Without a second glance at the boy, Severus strode out of the infirmary.

Lily was quick to fall into step beside him. "Well, that was interesting," she commented.

Severus spared her only a quick glance before speaking in a soft voice: "And where had you gone?"

"Did you need me?" she countered.

He found that to be a very strange response, perhaps even more strange that he hadn't seen her at all during his conversation with Potter. He would have thought she would be sitting there, fawning over her son or judging Severus. He decided not to respond, but turned to the dungeons. There were few students out in the hallways. He was sure that his own house was probably in their common room, gossiping about the Quidditch match. Severus decided he would address them about the incident later, when they had calmed down. As it was, he knew they would be too distracted by the sudden loss.

So Severus went directly to his office and immediately began searching for parchment and a quill. Lily sat on his desk, looking around at the various jars and potions he had on display. "Do you do this for dramatic effect or are you just that creepy?" He looked up and noticed she was staring at a jar that held a shrew's brain.

"Storage," he muttered, spreading the parchment out before him. He began to write quickly.

"Really? Why would you need-" She stopped. "What are you doing?"

"Writing my autobiography," he answered absently, not stopping in his efforts.

She leaned over. "Are you writing the future? You can't do that." She put her hand down on the parchment. And though Severus could have written through her fingers, he stopped and looked up.

"Why not? Now that I know I will forget everything, I need to keep a record so I can continue to prepare myself."

She shook her head. "I know that seems logical, but it won't help you."

He frowned. "I have figured that even if I forget everything, I will have to believe my own words."

She sighed. "It won't help you because most of this won't be true." She traced his few paragraphs. "The future is changing. Maybe not yet, maybe not this year. But Severus, you'll find that you are already making a very big impact."

Severus narrowed his eyes, keeping his quill to the parchment. "How? What have I changed that could be so vital?"

She lifted her hand and gazed around the room. "It is not something that can be explained. But you'll understand soon enough."

"You seem to say that a lot."

She smiled slightly. "Have I?"

He frowned. "Yes, and I haven't really understood anything yet."

Lily's smile suddenly brightened and she leaned forward. Severus leaned back, uneasy by her sudden change in demeanor. "Oh, I do think you understand, Severus. I think you understand very well the changes you are trying to make."


	10. Chapter 10

Because of the disastrous Quidditch match, Severus made an effort to gather evidence against Quirrell. But by the beginning of the Christmas holidays, there had been nothing to be gained. Quirrell was beginning to suspect and kept a low profile. Severus was also vigilant at night, keeping an eye out for any activity from Potter or his friends. Whether the boy had listened to his warning or was just lucky enough to not get caught, Severus never saw him out of bed.

Potter, surprisingly enough, was becoming rather adept at Potions. Severus could never remember the boy being even close to adequate. He was more active in class, asking and answering questions, getting clarification and trying new ideas. His results were never as impressive as Granger's, but his newfound spirit intrigued Severus.

Severus still wasn't taking points, or at least not the amount as he usually did. When some of his Slytherins, particularly Draco Malfoy, looked suspicious, Severus would gladly give them points. But while Draco was proficient, so many of his classmates were lacking in the art of potion making.

But the school was soon brought into the lull of the long break and many of the students planned to leave to spend the holiday with their families. Many of Severus' Slytherins were leaving, and only a handful were to remain behind. Severus didn't feel the need to concern himself with other houses, except in the last week of class when Malfoy made a loud comment about Potter not returning to his relatives.

Severus remembered that Potter always stayed behind for the holidays. There was a rumor in the Order that his relations were 'horrible muggles', but Severus never concerned himself with the matter. He always assumed that Potter didn't return home as an act of insolent defiance, so common with pig-headed boys.

When Draco made the rude comment, Severus glanced over to Lily, but she was hovering over Granger's cauldron, apparently uninterested in classroom banter. She often would observe a student's work while Severus was teaching. Lily had always been a very skilled witch with potions.

Potter didn't react to the comment either, or the various others that ensued from Draco during the class period. Severus stored his thoughts away. He had never thought much on Potter in his previous life, but now… now he had a great many things to dwell upon. Lily's guidance was obviously pushing him to consider more on her son, but Severus found himself wondering about most of the people around him; their relationship to him, how it changed for the better or worse, and about so many people that he would come to meet.

He didn't know when his previous thread of memories would completely dissolve. Despite Lily's disapproval, he continued to chronicle his past life's time-line to the best of detail he could manage. He found many gaps already in the upcoming years. But he couldn't be sure if those moments were truly vital or just ordinary occurrences. He was beginning to understand why Lily said it wouldn't be helpful. He had no idea if he was missing something important or nothing at all.

He often found himself lost in thought for hours, trying to remember anything, even mundane. It was consuming and irritating. It would only upset him further to find that some of his events would be changed anyway, and perhaps not resemble their previous occurrence.

He was beginning to wonder why he was here at all. What could he do, at this moment, that would truly make a difference? He questioned Lily relentlessly about this matter, but she only answered in that strange vague way that didn't seem like her at all.

It was on the evening of Christmas that Severus finally found the question that gave him more answers. He was lounging in his study, drinking from the port he kept behind some of his books. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this relaxed. Lily was in the chair across from him, humming absently as she stared into the fire. He thought she looked very pretty in the flickering light, even if it wasn't quite touching her form, but he wouldn't say it. Not now, but he wished he had said it while she was still alive.

"Lily?"

"Hmm?" She looked up at him.

"How many lives have you lived?"

She smiled. "Hundreds."

"And how many have I lived?"

"Just twice, including now."

He frowned. "Why have you lived so many?"

She shrugged. "Most only live once, or maybe twice. Many are fulfilled by the second time, if they weren't the first. Then they move on. I've… I've always liked to experiment, I guess. I want to see every variable, every solution. I want to observe and feel a little part of this world, even if I am only a spirit."

"Then why do you look so despondent?"

"Do I?"

It was not obvious, Lily often chatted cheerfully with him. But it was at times when she thought him distracted that she would show herself a little more. "You look at my students' cauldrons." He paused, finding the words were failing him. "You dodge people in the hallways and… sit on chairs or desks." He put his glass down and leaned forward. "You act like you are… or that you want to be a part of this world."

She pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Of course I do. Some could said that's why I keep living my life over again. But what they don't understand is that I don't live it again and again to be a part of the world. I live it to see Harry be a part of the world. I live to see him live."

"Why?"

She gave a short laugh, but it sounded a little like a cry. "Severus, he is my son. I died for him. I've died hundreds of times for him. I love him."

He looked to his port, wishing he had brought out something stronger. "Then why aren't you following him now?"

"Because in order to help him, I need to be with you."

He looked at her and found that she had leaned forward, her hand over his. He hadn't felt it. "A noble way of saying that you are using me." There wasn't any anger in his voice. After all, he knew her intentions soon after he died.

She smiled. "Maybe. Maybe I'm also not telling you everything I have planned."

He snorted and picked up his glass. "You tell me that every day. You know, the Lily I remember wasn't full of philosophical riddles. She was practical and straightforward." He drank deeply, but found when he looked up that she was staring into the fire. Her eyes were dimmer.

"I've changed, I suppose."

"Too many lives?"

"Too many regrets." She sighed, leaning back in the chair. "Maybe I keep coming back because there is something I'm missing. Something broken that I can't seem to fix…"

He stared at her over his glass. "If I were to not… succeed, so to speak. Would I be able to come back again? With you?"

"I suppose. But I don't think you'll need to live again, Severus."

"Why do you think that?"

She smiled, soft and sad. "You are careful, calculated, and have a means of stubborn luck."

"Stubborn luck?"

She smiled, a more real one. "Harry, of course. The more you interact with him, the more you'll find that his… 'Gryffindor-ish stupidity' just might rub off."

He snorted. "I'm beginning to wonder if it already has. I've not forgotten the troll incident."

"I found that quite daring of you, Sev. And very noble."

He rolled his eyes. "Very stupid too. All my experience as a spy and Death Eater, and I end up charging up to a troll, waving my wand like a baton." She giggled and Severus couldn't remember the last time she sounded so girlish. He sighed and put down his glass. "Lily, while it's still Christmas, would you like to see your son?"

She smiled. "Yes, I would love that." She suddenly stood. "But I need to get him a present."

Severus stared at her. "Why?"

She was walking into his room. "Well, James is giving him a present this year, and I don't want to seem like a bad parent."

Severus stood up and followed her. "What are you talking about?"

She motioned to his wardrobe. "I'm confident that it's in here. Can you get it for me?"

Severus stepped forward and opened the doors. "I'm still confused. What are you talking about?"

She leaned forward and pointed at a box that had been pushed back to the corner many years ago. "In there. I think it's in there."

Severus couldn't even remember what was in the box. Most of his personal possessions were kept at Spinner's End. The box could **contain** random things he accidentally brought many years ago and decided not to move them. He pulled out the box and opened it.

There were old school robes, a couple of letters from friends he couldn't even remember, and a random assortment of books. Lily stared at each object as he brought them out. He couldn't even begin to imagine what she was looking for. She finally pointed at one book.

"That one. Open it."

It was _The Standard Book of Spells: Grade 2_. He opened the cover to find Lily's name scrawled in the corner. "It's your book?" he asked.

"Yes, you borrowed it from me at the end of our second year because yours fell into your cauldron or something." She grinned. "I knew you never gave it back. Now look inside."

He began flipping through the pages, not knowing what to look for. As the pages fell aside, it became obvious. Near the chapter devoted to simple mending charm, was a picture of Lily.

He picked it up carefully, slowly remembering that he took it himself the summer before their second year. He had taken her father's camera and figured out how to charm it to take moving photographs. When he couldn't figure out how to undo it, she had to tell her family. Her father thought it was hilarious and gave it to Severus as a gift. He hadn't known what to do with the sudden act of kindness and only took a couple photos before hiding it away.

This one was of Lily at their neighborhood park. She was sitting on the swing and laughing, probably because of the incident right before. She waved and made goofy faces to the camera. Her hair was messy and her eyes seemed larger and greener, despite the faded photograph.

"Can you give Harry that?"

Severus looked up, almost forgetting that Lily was there beside him. "What?"

She put a hand on the picture. "Can you give Harry this? As a Christmas present?"

Looking back to the image, he had the sudden impulse to deny her; a childish reaction. This photograph had gathered dust his previous life, he hadn't even remember to look for it. "Alright," he conceded. "Let's try to find the boy."

Severus had rarely visited the Gryffindor common room. If he ever had a complaint or concern about the Gryffindor students, he would go to Professor McGonagall's office instead. Coming into direct contact with students outside of his house wasn't his ideal encounter, unless it was absolutely necessary.

Being a professor of the school, Severus could override any passwords or charms that blocked out other students. But as it was, he wasn't going to force entry into the Gryffindor common room just to give Potter a photograph. Instead, he circled around the area, like he was patrolling the hallways, and waited for someone to appear before the portrait.

He didn't need to wait long. Not ten minutes after he arrived, a Weasley stepped out. Severus recognized the badge on his robes as a prefect. "Weasley!" he barked, and stepped out of the shadows.

The boy flinched and didn't relax as he saw Severus approaching him. "Y-Yes, Professor?"

Severus looked down at the boy, trying to remember if he ever heard his name. He couldn't, but that bright red hair could be nobody outside the Weasley family. "Go find Potter and tell him to meet me out here."

The boy stammered some more, clearly confused. "I-I…Potter?…Yes, sir!" He eventually settled and turned around. He paused just before the portrait. "Do you have a reason?" He asked meekly.

Severus sneered and the boy quickly turned around and went inside. For a moment, there was stillness in the hall, only broken by the fat woman in the portrait singing to herself. She had obviously had a bit more of Christmas port than Severus.

There was some loud shouting from behind her and she giggled as she swung open to let Potter out. The words shouted after him were inaudible and Potter tugged at his fringe nervously. Severus raised an eyebrow at the lumpy green jumper he was wearing, but decided not to comment on it. "Follow me," he ordered and swept down the hallway.

Potter didn't make any comment as Severus searched for a suitably abandoned hallway. There was no way he would let anybody see him giving a Christmas present to Harry Potter.

When he stopped, the boy looked around, still clearly confused. "Was there something you wanted, professor?"

Severus dug around his robes and pulled out the photograph before he could regret it. He held it out, face down. "For you. A present, of sorts."

Potter stared at it for a minute, obviously trying to comprehend the moment. He eventually reached for it. "Really?" He sounded more cautious than surprised. He turned the photograph over and was silent for a minute, staring down at it.

Severus didn't know what to say and didn't know why the boy wasn't reacting. "Well?" He eventually spat, venom covering the awkwardness of the situation. "Do you need me to explain a picture of your mother?"

"What?" Potter looked up and Severus was horrified to find the boy's eyes shining with tears. He blinked rapidly. "No, no you don't. Thanks. I mean, thank you." He looked back down and Severus noticed that his fingers were white, holding on to the photograph so tightly.

He massaged the bridge of his nose. "No need to thank me. It was gathering dust in some grubby box in my wardrobe. Li-I thought it would be of more use to you."

Potter nodded, not looking up and Severus glared down the suit of armor across from them to give the boy a moment to pull himself together. Eventually, Potter spoke up. "I'm sorry… I didn't get you anything."

Severus snorted. "If you had, I would be seriously concerned."

The boy gave a watery smile. "I didn't get anything for Ron or Hermione either. I'd forgotten." He looked back to the picture, as if he couldn't absorb it enough. "I'd forgotten that people give presents on Christmas," he whispered.

Severus found his tone very odd. He suddenly remembered. _And under here, Hedwig… is where I used to sleep… You never knew me then—Blimey, it's small, I'd forgotten_. He didn't know why he was remembering it now, but he decided to find the connection later.

"It's not really a present from me at all. Your mother wanted to you have it." He spoke without really thinking.

"Really? You knew her?"

He stared past the boy. "For a time, yes, I knew her."

"Can you… tell me about her? What was she like?"

Severus noticed he was clutching the photograph in his hands, his voice just a little desperate. "She was…" Severus didn't know what to say. Lily was so many things. She was brave, selfless, clever, beautiful… She had been his best friend and he had lost her. She had been his only friend and he let her die.

He looked down at the boy with her eyes, her smile, and her way of caring for the lost and hated creatures of this world. Potter wasn't Lily. He was her son and she died for him hundreds of times, thousands, if she needed to. She wanted him to live and she sent Severus back to help save him.

"She loves you." he whispered. It was the only thing he could say. Harry Potter looked down at his photograph and Severus pretended not to notice that he was crying on her picture.


End file.
